The Greatest Newscast Ever Made

Sorry to keep y'all waiting but genius takes time to cultivate, especially after a weekend of salsa dancing.

I love Allisonís inner child. I think she should have her own series- the Adventures of Lilí Alli or something like that. Itíll feature Allison and Jonny surviving their formative years and public humiliation, I mean high school. Itís been a decade, and Dariaís due for a remake, right?

As much as that thought amuses me Iíve enough on my plate as it is. Between Comfortably Numb, Red Skirts and the Mattie Grumman Adventures Iím not ready to diversify the wonderful world of Allison anymore at the moment. Could make for an interesting storyline thoughÖ

Back on topic Iíve been thinking about attitude lately. Allisonís inner child and outer adult both cop the same one I do pretty much all the time. If youíre a budding smart ass with a chip on your shoulder Iíve some sage advice for you. (to mock, as you are wont to do) Donít change. This attitude helped me get to where I am today. I work hard and I stay glib and so far it seems to be working. Iíve been promoted to the point I could retire at this paygrade and if I wasnít a consumate smartass it would have never happened.

I say this because I used to be a television and radio broadcaster and if I wasnít sarcastic I donít know how I could have performed the news. Before getting into storytime I need to make on thing perfectly clear- I LOVE making news. I was the only radio news anchor at my station who took the job voluntarily and then refused to give it up until leaving that island. Why? Because I got to be sarcastic in front of an audience every weekday and I got to do so whilst broadcasting in the style of an excited sportscaster. Though beyond that I also had to make news stories, and that is where this blog gets interestingÖ

One particular story was about how my base was going green. To prepare I gathered many facts from our local enviromental expert (Hi Nestor!) and got a lot of B-Roll but found that to tell what was actually a good newsworthy story would take more than my alotted 44-47 seconds of air time. I could have spent many hours wittling down facts to bare essentials and tried to deliver a deep and moving 45 second news opus but instead I just got super cynical about the nature of Navy news making, stripped out all the facts and wrote it as a warm fuzzy ďarenít we doing so well?Ē piece. My style was a mockery of everything a good Navy news cast was supposed to be and my delivery of the script for the voice over was just the same. After creating a piece that would have made Daria Morgendorffer shed a tear of joy (I know, the second Daria reference this blog, I just marathoned it, okay?) I stepped back and took in all that I hath wrot. I knew once this was sent to Washington, DC they would either love it and hold it up as an example of Great Naval News Making or they see through the faÁade and revile it as the great insult to Great Naval News Making that is was.

Thankfully it was the former. My feedback on this thing was a first for my command- DC had no negative comments, loved the story and subject. The only slight critique was she suggested I show a little less enthusiasm next time. This was unprecedented because no matter what you sent her or how well it was made she always ripped it to shreds and told you how you where doing it all wrong. After reading the feedback my boss pulled me aside and said, ďShe doesnít know you like I do and that you were making fun of it. You didnít mean a single word of that newscast.Ē That newscast was then seen worldwide.

 This is because on air (and sometimes standing in formation) people have a hard time discerning sarcasm from authentic enthusiasm for a genuinely stupid subject. That has worked to my advantage more times than I count. On the downside it can work against you when talking to people who know you well enough to know when youíre mocking them but not well enough to tell if this is that one time youíre being sincere. And saying, ďReally, I sincerely mean it,Ē makes it just that much harder to get them to believe you. Oh well, you canít hav it all.

Sincerely Yours- No Really,




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